Flipping Conversational Frames On People - Persuasion & Influence
Author
Damon Cart
Date
Jan 23, 2017
Tags
General tips
Content
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Dating is an excellent way to test your communication skills especially when it comes to persuasion and influence and also to find an ideal mate. I date a lot and recently I've been getting a lot of questions from guys about navigating the treacherous waters of the dating scene. Both men and women often find dating to be disappointing or even scary which causes them to settle into a relationship as quickly as possible even if their partner isn't a good fit or they will choose to be alone rather than engage. This is a shame because it means people aren't getting what they want when they could if they just understood a few conversational frames. Knowing NLP is knowing how people think and process information and make decisions. This is HUGE when it comes to dating or any situation where you want to have more influence and win people over. I'm curious about people. I believe there's something interesting about everyone and this is a great mindset to approach situations where you want to influence or persuade someone. Conversational frames is an enormous topic so I'm only going to introduce one frame here. There are hundreds, probably more. And this works in any situation where you need to persuade, influence, negotiate, sell, ask for a date, etc. In dating, I've found that most women naturally get this better than men. Guys you might have realized already that women will test you during a date. It's usually quite subtle and conversational, so much so you usually miss it at first. Suddenly you find that you're trying to qualify yourself to her and you're not sure why. As a guy it's hard not to get angry about this. However, know that you do it too. We all do. Women tend to be much better at it, which is probably why you're upset. It's like playing chess and getting checkmated way before you saw it coming. And it's no surprise that they are. Women over thousands of years of civilization have had to cultivate skills to get what they want in a world where they could be physically overpowered by men. Louie C.K. does a great comedy bit on this. Any time you find yourself in a position of trying to qualify yourself to someone; doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman or if it's in dating or any sort of negotiation, etc. know that it's time to flip the frame. Don't try to qualify yourself. It only makes you look weak. When someone gets you to qualify yourself to them it's like they're digging a hole and pushing you in to see if you can dig your way out. Don't fall in the hole in the first place. So what do you do? Put it back on them. Reverse or flip the frame on them. One of the best ways to do this is to retort with a question asking them to qualify what they're implying. A great offense makes a great defense. Instead of answering their question or challenge, you return the challenge by addressing their intent and asking them to qualify it. Now if the person is experienced with this sort of thing they will try to flip it right back on you and now you're engaged in verbal jujitsu and the most flexible and most adaptable mind will prevail. A personal example of this in dating was one time I met a woman out for a first date to go wine tasting. Things seemed to be going well so we went out to dinner. Afterward we came back to my place. She was putting out all of the signals of interest like smiling at me frequently, looking me in the eyes, and welcoming touch. All was going well until I leaned into kiss her. She pulled away and acted as if I was completely out of line. This was completely incongruent with her behavior up to this point. "What's up?" I asked. From this point on things got really weird with her and it's too much to go into here and most of it is not NLP related. However, she did say something no one has ever said to me. It surprised the hell out of me. "So black girls are easy?" She said. I don't discriminate on race especially when it comes to dating. I also have yet to find that race determines how "easy" a woman is. Her comment hit between the eyes and stunned me. For a moment I didn't know what to say. If I said no I would come off as being defensive. If I said yes, then I would come off as an asshole. At first I wanted to try to explain that I'm not a racist. I'm not sexist. I think slut shaming is an awful thing to do... Blah... Blah... I'm really a good guy.... Blah... Blah... Please like me... Blah... Blah... But I knew better than to try to qualify myself for all of the reasons I've already stated. "Do you think that I think that?" I said when the shock wore off. Frame flip! Now she had to qualify herself for implying that I was a racist, sexist asshole looking to take advantage of her. It was her turn to be stunned. She paused for a moment and stuttered as she tried to explain herself. At that point I honestly didn't know what she wanted by coming out on a date with me and I really didn't care. I had already decided I didn't want anything more to do with her anymore. She was too weird. I walked her to her car where she told me she would like to hang out with me again. I just smiled and told her to drive safe. I never called her again. Did it all turn out exactly how I wanted it to? No, but that would have required her to be a completely different person a factor that was out of my control. But at least I didn't give away my center nor my dignity. If ever you find yourself in a situation like this where someone is trying to put you in a frame that makes you look bad or weak no matter how you answer, flip the frame on them in order to make them qualify what they're implying.
Damon Cart
Author
Damon Cart is considered to be a natural talent by some of the best NLP trainers in the world. His approach to guiding and teaching students brings to their awareness that they've been doing NLP all of their lives without realizing it and he empowers them with skills and resources to thrive and reach their full potential. With the understanding of how Neuro Linguistic Programs create oneβs experience a person can then take charge of those programs and create the experience and the life they want. By taking this approach into his own rigorous, daily NLP practice Damon has been able to rapidly accelerate his progress in learning, coaching clients and teaching workshops.
